Defining middle-age my way

Contemplations on aging.

Last night I woke to a thunderstorm. But it was the storm in my brain that wouldn’t let me return to slumber. Because I desperately need to get a good eight hours tonight, I finally dared ask myself the questions weighing on my mind, “Am I feeling the years … those years that have brought me to midlife? Am I wearing down?” The answer was simply “No.” In many ways, I feel that I'm just now really digging in to life and it's possibilities! I am, right now, my best self!

So, I probed deeper. “Am I feeling the fear … the fear of stereotypes? The fear of being defined, limited by a number.” A pause. Then an admission, “yes." Some people "out there" have lumped me into a category that I don't much care for. One that sees me as past my prime, based on ... what? I do not know.

Finally, unexpectedly, my soul offered this revelation, "... and the fear itself is limiting me, narrowing the opportunities I see.” It's creating boogey-men where there may be none.

At 47, I am young. I’m the “cool” adult with a Playstation game and unconventional ideas. The one who cranks Nickelback while speeding down the road to work. Yet, at the same time, I’m as old as my silvery hair. I always buckle my seat-belt and, if you’re riding with me, you will, too, sonny!

I enjoy the company of peers 20 years younger. And, yes, I consider them my peers, for as much as I teach them, they (in return) instruct me. Through their youthful eyes I see familiar sights in new ways. In me, they gain the perspective that only comes with experience. And together we create synergy.

Time spent with those my own age and older is also relished, however. These folks know what I’m going through and the life passages that lie ahead. I respect their wisdom, their journeys, their stories. Together we explore our purpose.

The young. The old. The in-between. Just who am I afraid can hold me back? Together we all make up society. We create conventional thought! Who is there to limit me to my age or their perceptions of it? Even well-entrenched stereotypes can be shaken. And my generation is quite capable of shaking things up!

Today I ask myself what has changed since I was 27. Is it just that more years have passed by? No, I am different. I’ve gained an inner calm, a deeper honesty and a broader perspective. I’ve learned that I lose nothing by giving; by sharing the credit, offering encouragement or letting someone else have the limelight. I wouldn’t want to turn the pages back, even to once again claim that lanky frame or brunette curls.Of course shedding ten pounds (if not ten years) would be nice! Still, I now have more to give ... and one would be hard-pressed to dismiss that lightly.

I used to imagine that at some point in my life, I’d have more answers. But these days I only have more questions. I don’t even know how to age gracefully. Then again, I’ve never done anything gracefully in my life; I go at it with all thrusters on … or I don’t go at it at all. And perhaps that is exactly how it should be: life is so short that I don’t need time for fear. I’ll simply have to define middle-age my way … making up the rules as I go along. That’s really the only way I’ve ever lived.

Comments

[Jason & Matt]

There are times when I hate getting older, yet there are times I just love it. To me life is a journey, learning all the time.

Women are like wine, they get more desirable as they get older.

Men are like cheese, the older they get the more smelly they become!

[Brenda replies]

Bernie -- Your comment got me thinking about an old British series from the 50s or 60s called "The Prisoner" where a former spy was held against his will in "the Village." Everyone there had a number they were identified by. Early in the series, one had the sense that every person encountered and several countries were conspiring to get our spy (#6) from leaving the Village. But by the time the last few episodes play, we realize that he (or any individual) has subconsciously helped build this prison. Maybe that's why this midlife bit is an issue with me. I'm trying so hard to move past self-imposed limitations, that I certainly don't want anyone else contributing barriers where no exist! Especially when I'm working to hard to be my best self possible! Thanks for your thoughts!

Sunshine -- Good points! We're probably busy finding ourselves -- and accepting what we find -- over the course of our whole lives!

the fearless blog -- Thanks for the award ... and your comments! I am very grateful that we have the blogosphere to be able to have these discussions. After all, we experience some of the same "bumps in the road" ... even when we come from very different backgrounds. For that reason alone I feel it's healthy to get these things out in the open!

Natural -- Interesting points for pondering! My inclination is to believe that IF we let go of preconceptions and wishful thinking both our minds and bodies are CAPABLE of telling us the truth (ie., if we really let our minds / bodies do the talking and force our ego to listen)! After thinking about it, I have to agree, however, that if I'm deciding to make up the rules as I goes along that is, indeed, a plan! I had overlooked that! :)

Nards -- Thanks for commenting! I DO look forward to turning 50 ... and 60, and 70! It's nice to hear, though, that others find it to be freeing! That's encouraging, so thank you!

Bimmy the Bookish -- I glad you like the middle age posts! I really thought twice before tackling some of this subject matter ... but it's what I'm experiencing so, ultimately, I decided I had to write about it! I like how you've used the words "adapt and evolve" in decribing how you experience midlife! Don't you feel that whatever phase of life you've been in, that's precisely how you've had to respond? Those two sum it up perfectly for me!

laughingwolf -- Thanks for stopping by and commenting! As you can probably tell, this has been something I struggle with ... but I am coming to believe that the more we can take ownership over our challenges (whatever they are), the more we can truly overcome them!

Monica -- I know precisely where you are coming from! Sometime it IS good to turn a deaf ear to others, isn't it?! And, now to be totally smug, I must admit that I truly have BEAUTIFUL silver highlights! Whenever I think of covering it up (due to insecurites that sometimes crop up), I have to laugh at myself: I'm TOO VAIN ... and I'm not ashamed of that at all! (I wish you the same when your gray comes in!) ;)

Tammy Warren -- I don't think it's a fluke that when I write my most gut-wrenching posts, people identify with them so strongly! And, thanks for sharing the message! I hope your readers will also get some benefit ... even it is only knowing that they are not alone!

[Bernie]

Great post! I've got a few years on you and one of my biggest fears is the one about being limited by a number. It's a perceptual limitation that I chose not to go along with, but it still bothers me enough that I almost never say the actual number that goes with my age.

One thing you said that I think should be on a bumper sticker: "I am, right now, my best self!"

[Sunshine]

Hi Brenda,
I can relate to the mid-life thing to a degree. Trying to find yourself at any age is hard. All I can say is life is to short and tomorrow is never promised so we just have to accept it for what it is, and live life without out any regrets! We have to do what makes us Happy !

[the fearless blog]

"I go at it with all thrusters on … or I don’t go at it at all. And perhaps that is exactly how it should be: life is so short that I don’t need time for fear. I’ll simply have to define middle-age my way … making up the rules as I go along."

That pretty much describes me at middle-age, except you have described the whole process in this post much better than I could. There is so much candor and practical truth to your words that it hurts inside (just a little) as I read, for your piece echoes so many of the same feelings and questions I have.

This reader feels a sense of solidarity with you. And this post as well as many others managed to capture my attention rather quickly. I always enjoy my visits here and find your writing of great significant value.

There is a special award waiting for you at my blog. When you get a chance, please stop by.

[Natural]

I don't think the mind and body ever meet. Our minds tells us one thing and the body tells us the truth (sometimes).

Making up the rules as you go along sounds like a plan. We do change with age, not ALL of our rules have to. We can relax or tighten up a bit.

[Nards]

Amen! I reached a big milestone earlier this year, so I understand completely. Just wait in three more years when you actually reach it; it will be even a more freeing experience. Enjoy! - Regards, Nards

[Bimmy the Bookish]

Hey Brenda,
i really love reading your posts on this "middle age" theme. you sum it all up so much more eloquently than i feel i can.
I'm noticing lots of changes, trying to adapt and evolve, and am generally enjoying it all, but also finding some aspects of aging a little piquant.

Your posts, and the responses youget really show that what is written for us in the media is all tosh, what we want is this real stuff. The quandries, the questions, the comforts.

Ive been noting how the people around me adapt (or not) and cope (or not) with this aging malarky, and it can be hard to find empathetic people to share with. I feel you're in the right place :) thanks!

[laughingwolf]

brenda, your attitude is spot on!

[came here from mm's blog]

[Monica]

Oh Brenda! I just turned 40 this year and was so excited! I have always seen this segment of my life as a time to get to know me! Kids are older, everything else seems to be settling to a GOOD place!

But what I've noticed is how others are viewing me. I have to really take the efforts to get myself to not listen to the thoughts of others as to where I am in my life ya know?

You said it so perfectly in your words in this post. BEAUTIFUL!

BTW I cannot wait for grey. I've been having this thought of just dying my hair grey. Hey, I have my share of strands thus far! ;)

HUGS, Mon

[Tammy Warren]

Oh me. Now you have hit me in the heart. What a post. That is exactly where I have been for a week or so. Today I woke up and I am not having fear. I am going at life with all "thrusters". Thank you so much for sharing this. It actually made my day more complete just reading someone else is pausing to think for a moment about what lies ahead. Then, we stop. We don't want to think about it. That is OK.

With all that being said, and my taking a deep pause just thinking about getting old, I wanted to let you know that I shared this post today on my blog. I hope you don't mind.

Hey, go put on some Nickelback (I went and saw them with my teenage son last summer) and make your own rules. In the end ...it is our life. We only have one to live.