Finding my personal power

I’ve been neglecting this blog for the last week ... a fact that brings me to another lesson on my journey of self-discovery: I can’t do it all. Like most of you, I juggle demands of work and home ... and something had to give.

I do have my limits. I can admit that to myself. I don’t, however, want to hear these words uttered aloud. Not even from well-intentioned friends. I cannot have someone else’s barriers capping my potential.

Maybe this resistance is to be expected from one who grew up in an ultra-conservative family during the  60s and 70s. It was an environment with few expectations of the female gender, but countless restrictions. Oh, those rules! I was to act like a little lady at all times (and my long-suffering mother really put her time in on this one to no avail); I was to be cheerful just as often (but not boisterously happy as I was wont to be); and I was to be neat and tidy (for which I was truly a lost cause)!

As a young girl, I didn’t dream of being a fire-fighter. It wasn’t an option. I’m not sure that I had any dreams at all.

I understood my place. And, then again, I didn't understand. Not by a long shot.

The age of eight found me feverishly building a bigger leaf pile than that of my friend Ronald, next door. His brother, Eddie, had offered me help which I emphatically refused. I didn't need any help. I could do it myself! My mother, overhearing my refusal, called me inside. I cannot remember her exact words, although her admonishment had something to do with women being the weaker vessel (as ordained by God). It was, she explained, important for men to be stronger; I needed to let Eddie be the stronger one.

Eddie wasn’t a man, I pointed out. Eddie was a boy and he would only get in my way.

That didn’t matter, Mother countered.

I thought about her words for a moment. And then it hit me: why would God want me to be anything less than how he had created me? Why should I be less than what I was?

Mother sent me to my room to think about it some more. But, by then, my mind was on to other questions. Could I, for instance, clean all the toys off of my bed with one quick yank of the bedspread? In one noisy maneuver I found that I could.

Still, a certain resistance to external limitations had snuck into the behavior center in my brain.

It has been only in the last decade that I have consciously realized how much those early restrictions left me with a point to prove. How I’ve refused to accept help ... to say “No!” ... out of a rebellion that helped me retain my very will when I was younger, but now served no useful purpose.

That point of awareness came during team-building training I attended with co-workers three years ago. In a session on personal motivation, I was asked to describe my perfect Saturday morning. I was happy to oblige: I’d start by wolfing down toast and fruit, then spend 15 minutes in meditation, another half an hour practicing T'ai Chi, an hour working in my yard, an hour with a good book, then take a brisk walk in my neighborhood before making a picnic lunch and heading, with my spouse, to a nearby lake. Ahh! Heaven! But I had no sooner completed my idyllic description than a peer (and friend) laughingly retorted, “Yeah, that sounds like you! Brenda let’s-do-10-impossible-things-before-breakfast Friedrich!”

I was hurt. The memory still hurts. To her, I was a Don Quixote tilting at windmills. Perhaps worse than a know-it-all, I was a do-it-all ... or die trying.

My outward response to Janet's outburst was indignation. "If I can do it, it's not impossible," I muttered. Yet she had made her point. And it was a point I needed to hear. Maybe my power was wasted by taking on every task imaginable; I've already proven to myself that I'm quite capable. Maybe my real personal power will be found by setting limitations, by saying, "No!" on occasion and accepting help. I need to move past the defiant third-grader that I was in order to become the discerning forty-something that I have become.

Last week this became clear as I struggled to respond to new challenges facing my business. My writing will have to take a back seat as I choose to not do it all. Efforts here will no doubt be sporadic for some time. But my strength and future success depends on admitting my limitations ... and being able to focus accordingly. It's one of the lessons from my life journey thus far, one that says I need to correct my course.

What about you? Do you feel comfortable saying, "No!" or asking for help? What type of restrictions dictate what you achieve?

Comments

[Ellen Besso]

Hi Brenda: Did we grow up in the same house, or what? All that indoctrination you spoke of in the 1st part of your post pretty much happened to me! I write quite a bit about it in my e-book for Midlife Caregivers of aging parents (it'll be ready in a month or 2).

And the part about 'doing 10 impossible things before breakfast' - I really relate to that too. It's so disappointing to get that reaction. I guess we march to a different drummer. I was taught years ago to look after myself by a group therapist & it stuck & I enhanced it along the way.

I put your blog on my google reader weeks ago, but haven't been reading blogs lately due to overload.

When you get a moment, check out mine:
www.ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze

Warm regards
Ellen

I put your blog on my google reader

[Brenda replies]

Titania -- Aren't the reasons interesting of why we fall into the trap of taking on too much? You mentioned the people-pleasing aspect (I bet most people identify with this one). For me it was having something to prove (an internal superwoman image)! I, too, have asked myself, "Would I treat another person this way?" Or, more recently, I've asked myself "Why is it okay to break promises to myself, when I wouldn't do this to others?" And, it's not okay. Hmmm! I need to keep those questions in my day planner to help me decide what projects to take on and which to turn down!

Bernie -- I'm glad you bring up the corporate 'do it all' peer pressure. This may be the biggest challenge for all of us in this day and age! Especially since as employees, we should empower but not enable!

Monica -- Oh, yes! The GUILT! I like how you've come up with alternatives to "No!" I need to remember this! "Not today" is good. I'm thinking of occasions where I could say "I can't to that ... but here's what I can do" in offering alternatives that are better for me!

RennyBA -- I'm so glad to get the guy's perspective on this! To know it's not just the ladies that have trouble with saying No!" It IS a responsibility issue, isn't it? One of Franklin Covey's positions is that we have to keep promises to ourselves, too!

Jay -- It sounds like you HAVE had quite a journey with this! I think that we were bound to dig in our heels and inwardly take those defiant stances -- we had to manifest our personal power somewhere and others just cannot enforce how another thinks! Like you, I may never conquer this 100%, but now that I'm aware it can be a problem means that I can still gain greater control of it. Thanks for your comments!

Marsha O'Brien -- I do think this lesson is one that many of us struggle with!

Coll -- I hear you! I keep putting meditation time (or quiet time) in my schedule ... and, then, I tell myself I'm just too busy for it! Truth be told, I probably wouldn't be so busy if I'd make time for that one head-clearing activity (or lack of activity)!

[Tammy Warren]

No is so tough for me. I am not sure why. I am in a constant battle with this. Just when I say no to something...I seem to walk away with a guilt. I can say that I have been working on it. I am convinced that the procrastination is a follower of mine also. The two go hand and hand. I procrastinate on the things that are really important because I can't say no to the things that aren't.

You are not alone on this.

[Erin]

I've found that I, too, have a hard time both saying "No" and accepting help, though unlike yours coming from "be a lady" lessons, mine comes from a lifetime of "you're too little." I've always been the smallest of my peer group (even at 30, I'm only five feet tall and ninety five pounds) so I've always felt the need to have the bigger personality and the biggest sense of adventure to keep the "oh here let me help you, you're too little to do that on your own" people at bay.

I'm working on it, but I'm pretty sure that I'll never ever be mistaken for demure :)

[Peter McCartney]

Hi. I'll hazard a very good guess here and say, "Man" had and has, had a lot to do with placing restrictions on what women can and can not do.

Stereotyping also comes to my mind and mothers of the past haven't helped things. I can't blame them really considering what they went through.

In the past young females would only be allowed to play with what I call girly things. Boys were pushed to be manly from the day they were born. Toy trucks and fighting machines were very much loved by both father and son.

Have things changed for the better? In a lot of areas, I would say yes. But in other areas, such as big business, woman are still not being paid the same amount as their male counter parts. I can't really work that one out, perhaps someone else can.

One other thing that I've noticed, is that women, who used to live longer than men, are now slowly catching up with male statistics. But that's life I suppose.

Female role models abound. U.S. Secretary of State Mrs. Condoleezza Rice for example. Another, the U.S. may soon have a female Vise President.

I look forward to all these things, but there is one thing I can't stomach. Call me old fashioned if you want, but women in combat is sad.

Well, that's my two cents worth.

Take Care,
Peter

[pepsoid]

I am finding these days, as the father of a presently-7-wk-and-1-day-old baby girl, that virtually everything I read, see, watch, etc, becomes a lesson in parenthood! “I hope to influence my child in that way, but not in that way”… and so on. In the context of your post, Bren, and much of what is said in the previous comments, I find myself realising that any innate “wisdom” or “usefulness” in a piece of advice may be totally obscured by the perceived reasoning behind it or the way that advice is delivered – e.g. one *should* sometimes accept help, but if a young headstrong girl is told that the reason one should accept help is so that that the boy one is accepting help from can feel more like a *man*, then that headstrong girl is likely to be inclined to refuse the help… and refuse help henceforth into adulthood! Oh the responsibilities of parenthood… and the exciting and joyous challenges ahead! ;)

[Caroline]

Great post! I found you through kind blogs (glad I did). I am very big on keeping my personal power and can say "NO" without guilt...it took some practice :) But now I am a seasoned pro! I found that if I stretched myself too thin...I was stressed beyond belief! At some point...somethings gotta give.

[Max Coutinho]

Hey Brenda!

Fantastic reading! Your thoughts and questions are extremely pertinent...

"Why would God want me to be anything less than how he had created me?" - He doesn't! God has made women to His image as well; and saying that He wants us to be less than men is the same as saying that there is something lesser to God as well; which there isn't!

I understand you so well: one can do so much! Yes, learn how to say "no" and delegate....to delegate is one of the most useful tools I discovered recently...try it :D!

"Do you feel comfortable saying, 'No!' or asking for help?" - Yes, I say "no" with no reservations; and yes, I ask for help whenever I need it, cause really...there is so much I can do; and as I told you I found out that delegating tasks is one of the most liberating things a person can do (but of course, keep an eye on all things)!

"What type of restrictions dictate what you achieve?" - without getting into details, I can say that some restrictions redirect my mind to success; i.e. my brain found a way to focus on achieving what I set as my goals in a more effective way, because I am not "distracted"....does it make sense?

Loved this post! I wish you all the best with your endeavours, darling :D!

Cheers

[Titania]

Hi Brenda,

I can relate to this very well. I have had to say no to many projects this summer. I have a very hard time saying no. I have always been afraid that if I didn't do it all then everyone would not like me. A big people-pleaser and yet I let myself down by the sidelines. I am learning also that it is impossible and unkind to ask of myself so much. Would I treat another person this way? No. I have to check myself daily to slow down and enjoy living and to try and not run breakneck through each day.

This summer I had to put blogging on the back burner. I hated it at first. Afraid I would lose my friends. But I didn't they have been patient and understanding. That made me feel more empowered. I can let things kind of go and not feel so guilty in doing so.

But... I still need a lot of work. :o)

~Blessings.

[Bernie]

To further complicate the gender-based limits of your youth (my sister and my wife faced similar 'advice' at times), now we as a society have the corporate 'do it all' peer pressure placed on women and men. It is very difficult to admit to limits, even though we all have them.

[Monica]

Oh goodness, in the past saying no simply wasn't an option. I would feel guilty, mean, or something negative when I said it.

Over the course of the last year, I really got that I get to do what is best for me - first.

Running a child to the doctor isn't a no for me, ofcourse. But - I delegate where I can, ask for assistance when I can, or generally say "not today, I could schedule that on Thursday".

When I first started this "no" thing, I thought I'd hear slack. So far, folks, my clients and family have simply said "okay, when is good?".

;)

[RennyBA]

Very readable post and you hit the nail here!

I do think its very difficult to say no too - actually I think its difficult to 'disappoint' others and by that, not to please. But I've also learned my lesson and if I don't do it, no one else will take responsible of my life.

[Jay]

I grew up in the fifties and sixties too, and I'm the youngest in the family - and the only girl. I was just like you. WHY couldn't I do the same as the boys? WHY was I supposed to be ladylike at all times, and never wear trousers? I rebelled, not in a flashy way, but by digging in my heels, refusing to wear pink, or frills, or go for a 'ladylike' job. And it took me decades to realise that while I could do a lot of things I set my mind to, I couldn't actually do it all. It took me decades, having two kids and then getting fibromyalgia plus an underactive thyroid. That put a kink in things for sure. I had to ask for help, and I had to say no, and it was very difficult.

With the help of my role model I have come through that phase and managed to shake off the dependence on other people's opinions that came along with that determination to prove myself. I needed validation. I won't say I'm entirely free of that need now, but it's under control.

Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment!

[Marsha O'Brien]

It took me so long to learn to say no. I
never wanted to turn anyone down when help was needed, nor did I think there was a possibility I couldn't do it all.

Life teaches so many lessons and finally I got the "say no" one:).

Loved the post. You are quite the woman.

[Coll]

Having grown up in the 50s and 60s I can relate to much that you speak of in this post. Thankfully, I have learned that it is OK to say "no" and am able to do so with very little residual guilt.

Now I am working on the idea that quiet time, still time, is not necessarily wasted time. This is a tough one for me.