enroute365

Prying my fingers from possibilities

Have you ever found yourself trying to take more than one path at a time? Maybe you've discovered that you don't get very far when trying to straddle several diverging routes. When writing my last post, The Nature of Life, I knew that I was not making any inroads through recent efforts to simultaneously direct and follow my life -- or, at least, my career. But upon reading your responses, I realized that my challenge was a bit more complicated.

Let me explain. I've come to realize that running my own consulting business on a full-time basis will never meet the goal I'd hoped for: being able to utilize my writing and/or design skill sets to their highest potential. Not when I must also function as the sales person, accountant and IT staff! So, it was time to re-evaluate. Still, I love being the strategist and the worker bee ... and having my own company allows me to test new ideas, something I wouldn't risk in a corporate setting. As a result, I continue to run my small enterprise with the intent of relegating it to a side business or "hobby job," after I find a full-time job that better fits my objectives.

Now, the U.S. economy isn't exactly cooperating with my plan! So, to temporarily supplement my income, I've accepted a temp job assignment. I was over-qualified for the job, but the position appeared just when I needed it. No other doors where opening at the time and, when I walked in for an interview, everyone and everything seemed so familiar, so ... right. "Maybe I'm being lead here," I told myself as I checked my ego at the door. Besides, my new contractor was so incredibly happy to snag me that my sense of self-confidence is still beaming somewhere over on Cloud 9!

As I undertake this job, however, I'm also trying to fill the gaps within my resume by educating myself and taking on specific non-paying projects that will enhance my portfolio. Because a new job or my own business might demand that I understand the new social media, I continue to immerse myself in that exploration, too. And, did I mention that I still envision myself as a freelance writer? So those efforts remain on my plate as well!

But, today as I responded to a recent comment, I realized that all these activities were not the result of a decision on my part ... but from a lack of one. I found myself trying to be a business owner, contract employee, job seeker, student and freelance writer ... all because I'd sure hate to miss out on any opportunity before me! I wasn't making choices, I was hedging my bets! And I've had to admit that I'm so afraid of not fulfilling my purpose or potential here on earth (or even fully comprehending what that is) that I' haven't let go of any path showing promise! And when anyone is so frantically jumping from one road to another, can s/he really be quiet enough to hear that still, small voice? Or proactive enough to intentionally forge a well-conceived future?

While last week I questioned when I should listen and when I should lead, now I'm facing the reality that doing either requires letting go: relinquishing my grip on a fistful of possibilities in order to effectively pursue one. Or two. At most, three. (I think you see my dilemma!)

Just try to pry my fingers off any one of my endeavors and I'm sure to give you a litany of reasons why I must retain it. Yet I'll also tell you, in all sincerity, that I am not a workaholic. Although, now that I think of it, I haven't taken a vacation in over two years.

My salvation lies, I believe, in the fact that I'm not very tolerant of indecision ... in myself or others. So now that I've realized I'm guilty of just this crime, correcting my course -- or, more accurately, settling on a single course of action -- should be easier.

I know I should be grateful. After all, I have a wealth of options to choose from. Many women don't have it this good. On second thought, some men don't either. I am facing the type of abundance that comes from having freedom. And freedom requires that decisions be made. I must choose which path to take at this point in my journey or remain stalled at the intersection. Maybe some of my options will reappear in the future. And that's what I'll remind myself: no true possibilities are ever lost because I am always free to retrace my steps and choose again.

How do you address decision-making? What choices are easy for you? Which are difficult?

Finding my personal power

I’ve been neglecting this blog for the last week ... a fact that brings me to another lesson on my journey of self-discovery: I can’t do it all. Like most of you, I juggle demands of work and home ... and something had to give.

I do have my limits. I can admit that to myself. I don’t, however, want to hear these words uttered aloud. Not even from well-intentioned friends. I cannot have someone else’s barriers capping my potential.

Maybe this resistance is to be expected from one who grew up in an ultra-conservative family during the  60s and 70s. It was an environment with few expectations of the female gender, but countless restrictions. Oh, those rules! I was to act like a little lady at all times (and my long-suffering mother really put her time in on this one to no avail); I was to be cheerful just as often (but not boisterously happy as I was wont to be); and I was to be neat and tidy (for which I was truly a lost cause)!

As a young girl, I didn’t dream of being a fire-fighter. It wasn’t an option. I’m not sure that I had any dreams at all.

I understood my place. And, then again, I didn't understand. Not by a long shot.

The age of eight found me feverishly building a bigger leaf pile than that of my friend Ronald, next door. His brother, Eddie, had offered me help which I emphatically refused. I didn't need any help. I could do it myself! My mother, overhearing my refusal, called me inside. I cannot remember her exact words, although her admonishment had something to do with women being the weaker vessel (as ordained by God). It was, she explained, important for men to be stronger; I needed to let Eddie be the stronger one.

Eddie wasn’t a man, I pointed out. Eddie was a boy and he would only get in my way.

That didn’t matter, Mother countered.

I thought about her words for a moment. And then it hit me: why would God want me to be anything less than how he had created me? Why should I be less than what I was?

Mother sent me to my room to think about it some more. But, by then, my mind was on to other questions. Could I, for instance, clean all the toys off of my bed with one quick yank of the bedspread? In one noisy maneuver I found that I could.

Still, a certain resistance to external limitations had snuck into the behavior center in my brain.

It has been only in the last decade that I have consciously realized how much those early restrictions left me with a point to prove. How I’ve refused to accept help ... to say “No!” ... out of a rebellion that helped me retain my very will when I was younger, but now served no useful purpose.

That point of awareness came during team-building training I attended with co-workers three years ago. In a session on personal motivation, I was asked to describe my perfect Saturday morning. I was happy to oblige: I’d start by wolfing down toast and fruit, then spend 15 minutes in meditation, another half an hour practicing T'ai Chi, an hour working in my yard, an hour with a good book, then take a brisk walk in my neighborhood before making a picnic lunch and heading, with my spouse, to a nearby lake. Ahh! Heaven! But I had no sooner completed my idyllic description than a peer (and friend) laughingly retorted, “Yeah, that sounds like you! Brenda let’s-do-10-impossible-things-before-breakfast Friedrich!”

I was hurt. The memory still hurts. To her, I was a Don Quixote tilting at windmills. Perhaps worse than a know-it-all, I was a do-it-all ... or die trying.

My outward response to Janet's outburst was indignation. "If I can do it, it's not impossible," I muttered. Yet she had made her point. And it was a point I needed to hear. Maybe my power was wasted by taking on every task imaginable; I've already proven to myself that I'm quite capable. Maybe my real personal power will be found by setting limitations, by saying, "No!" on occasion and accepting help. I need to move past the defiant third-grader that I was in order to become the discerning forty-something that I have become.

Last week this became clear as I struggled to respond to new challenges facing my business. My writing will have to take a back seat as I choose to not do it all. Efforts here will no doubt be sporadic for some time. But my strength and future success depends on admitting my limitations ... and being able to focus accordingly. It's one of the lessons from my life journey thus far, one that says I need to correct my course.

What about you? Do you feel comfortable saying, "No!" or asking for help? What type of restrictions dictate what you achieve?

Where are we headed?

"Route 365 (the road inherent in this blog's name, Enroute 365) is a metaphorical highway. It represents the human journey through life, one we travel 365 days a year.  In each day we have the opportunity to learn (and share) about ourselves, our world and each other.  I invite you to spend some time from your days to travel with me."

Early Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has come early this month ... at least for me. Sans turkey and all the trimmings, it arrived unheralded in a moment of gratitude.

You see, despite weeks of fretting and self-doubt, I finally made my October weight goal. I don't care that I went two days past my deadline; I made it nonetheless. And this time when I tell myself “progress, not perfection,” I really mean it.

This recent progress got me to thinking of everything else I'm grateful for:

• I've got my health ... but I can still find enough other things to complain about.
• I really like my neighbors, probably because I'm the youngest person on the block.
• My husband spoils me (so if there's anyone to blame, talk to him).
• I count my sisters among my best friends and my best friends are like sisters.

So life is good. Which, just being human, means I must try to make it better. And by that I mean dropping another five pounds in the the next two weeks. But, please, don't wish me luck; good fortune's already found me. Instead, wish me patience. And that in abundance!

Rewinding expectations

I'm spending the morning with Richard Simmons. It's not that I find him the best company. He can be quite annoying. But he gets me working harder than most of my other DVD or Playstation exercise programs do. So I'm reliving disco with Richard on VHS because I want to lose five pounds by the end of the month.  And, somehow, I've put on two. This result doesn't seem to be a fluke, but a trend in my personal life: the more I set my expectations in stone (ie., I will drop X lbs by November), the further I distance myself from my goals. 

It must be time to hit rewind. Time to re-evaluate how user-friendly my goals really are. Perhaps time to select Slow Play. I can still rock to the oldies with Richard. After all, he has a great can-do attitude. I can continue to eat healthfully (more so after the Halloween candy has been dispersed among the kiddies). But it's time to erase my expectations. The next time I hit Play, I want it to just that: play ... and just see what happens.

When to wait

My spouse and I are of different mindsets. No matter what the problem is, Frank's believes the answer is to wait.

"For what?" I ask.

"For something wonderful," he deadpans in a voice from Kubrick's 2001.

"And just how is something wonderful going to happen," I continue, "when we're not working to accomplish it?"

"It's a mystery," he recites, again from another favorite film.

He's been watching too many movies, I note silently.

You see, I believe every need requires a push to be accomplished. What's more, I tend to think it all needs to be addressed right now. And, if it cannot be done immediately -- due to constraints of time, money or planning -- it must go onto a schedule. Procrastination is a burden that saps my energy: if I'm not doing it, I'm thinking about it.

"When should I wait ... and when should I act?"

Ant attack

Spring weather is finally here and I am eager to spend time out on the deck. But I must tread cautiously. A number of guests have rendered it unstable.

You might think that I’ve been hosting wild parties. But the truth reveals itself on closer inspection. Or at least it did last fall while Frank and I were cleaning up out back.

We’d been discussing deck replacement for years, but Frank suspected wood rot, so he wanted to move the project up our list of priorities. As he spoke, Frank poked at the beam to make his point and the outer wood gave way. We both jumped back as splinters and saw dust fell to the ground.

The situation was worse than we’d realized. Unwittingly we’d hosted a colony of carpenter ants for years.

"Today I see it a little differently."

Whose "To Do?"

Thank you notes. I cross it off of my To Do list. Not because the cards have been written and sent. I don’t know if they have. It’s off my list because it never was my task to begin with.

“Your problem is …” an ancient scripts starts playing in my head. My problem is taking on other people’s issues, challenges, work.

Is this about caring? Or control? Am I being fair to me? Am I underestimating them?

Judy, my husband’s sister died several weeks ago. Many lovely flowers and plants were sent. Some came from Frank’s co-workers. I sat on the sidelines while the funeral arrangements were made, but afterward I wanted to make sure family members were taking care of details such as Thank You notes. These are all capable people. I was not appointed Emily Post. Yet I added to it my list of activities.

My To Do list is quite ambitious. I don’t think one woman’s lifetime could do it justice. Still I keep adding to it. Then, I wonder why I feel stressed.

“Some days I need the reassurance that I can still say, 'no.'”

Destiny