enroute365

Lessons while waiting

Continued from the July 9th post, "Meeting Genie."

Doing what's best for someone else doesn't always come easily. And that was the choice Marla was desperately trying to make. She had gone to great lengths to find new people for her pet as she prepared to start a new life in a new location. But now, when an expected job clearance had not yet come through, Marla struggled over Genie's future.

I saw the signs of an inner battle on her face as Marla fought back emotion. "I don't know what to do if the job doesn't pan out," she admitted. Then, as if correcting herself, she added, "but it isn't really about me, it's about her. It's about what's best for Genie."

Marla is still in her twenties and isn't yet settled. Her life has been in transition for some time now, during which time Genie has been housed by friends and, most recently, boarded at a local vet's. Even earlier, Marla didn't quite have the time she'd first thought she would to care for a cat ... and she feels that Genie has suffered because of this. I appreciate Marla's honesty. It helps me understand why, when Genie first came to our home, she didn't know how to play.

I've walked in Marla's shoes before. I remember how, fresh out of college, I longed for the companionship of a cat ... even when my work hours and social life really didn't make me the best pet owner.

Seeing Marla's dilemma, I realize that I must be as selfless as she is trying to be. So, after meeting my husband's eyes from across the living room, I offer a proposal. "Frank and I have found that when something is right ... when it's meant to be ... circumstances fall into place of their own accord. We don't need to force it. Maybe adopting Genie is right for us ... maybe it isn't," I begin. The next words are more difficult to utter, but somehow I get them out. "Why don't we proceed this way," I continue. "Why don't Frank and I continue to keep Genie in our home until mid-July when you'll have an answer about the job." "That way, you don't have to pay boarding fees, Genie continues to enjoy a home-atmosphere and you can visit her whenever you'd like." If the job doesn't pan out and you decide to keep Genie, Frank and I will consider this time our kitty 'fix' ... a time to reintroduce us to cat ownership ... or cat servitude, as the case may be! No hard feelings. But if you decide, for whatever reasons, that we can adopt her, we'd like that very much. She's a very special kitty so this can't be easy, but know you'd be welcome to visit her whenever you're in town to visit your mom."

As I speak these words, I think back to some nine months ago when I found a stray kitten dashing around in a busy parking lot on a rainy night. To keep her safe, I'd taken her home and spent the next week alerting various rescue agencies, the area's postal carriers and every vet in the city. I blanketed that suburb with bright yellow flyers. After seven weeks I was ready to claim her as my own ... just as her owners finally spotted one of my flyers in a grocery store. Relinquishing that adorable bundle of fur was difficult ... and made all the more so because it seemed that her owners had put forth very little effort toward finding her. Even upon her return, they had few questions and not a single word of thanks. Yet, Jazz (as they'd fittingly name her) wasn't mine, so I tearfully handed her over.

This, I reminded myself, was a very different situation. Genie was very much loved by Marla. Still the prospect of losing her -- even after so short a time together -- tugged at my heart.

Marla agreed to my proposal. She recently stopped by to see how things are going. Since our first visit, Genie has discovered how to play. She loves chasing a felt streamer that we dangle enticingly before her ... and already has a favorite toy, a catnip mouse.Genie has also become a bird lover, strategically placing her twitching body behind a large potted plant beside the sliding glass doors.

I'm not a patient person by nature, but as these last two weeks have passed, I've learned a thing or two about patience as a virtue. I've seen that I can conquer my impatient tendencies by accepting not only the realities before me, but by accepting the other people who share that reality ... by respecting them, respecting their journeys. But mostly, I think I've learned about love ... and how intricately those virtues are tied together: I'm beginning to love this cat and therefore I can be patient and will be accepting of the outcome.

Marla continues to prepare for her big move to Texas. She's impressed with how Genie has progressed and seems content with allowing us to keep her. But her decision is, no doubt, bittersweet. Per our agreement, Marla still has several days to change her mind. While I feel confident that the adoption will proceed, I continue to reign that feeling in; I need to delay it for just a few more days. After July 15th we'll have our final answer.

To be concluded with PART 4 in this continuing series on July 16th.

Earlier posts:

• July 6th, "Of a Pet Lost and a Pet being Found"
• July 9th, "Meeting Genie"

Road-tested wisdom

I've listened to “the experts” for far too long. You know, the ones with the credentials, but no callouses to back 'em up. Hmmm ... on second thought, perhaps I just haven't listened to the wisdom of the common man (or woman) enough. Those with the observations that that make me say, “I know this, too ... somehow”

Now, after benefiting from the real life experience of several bloggers this week, I just might give my pop psychology books a rest and visit the blogosphere more often!

Here's a sampling of road-tested truths I've recently re-learned from my peers.

1.  I must face my fears to find fulfillment. The Fearless Blog pulls no punches in bringing this reality to my attention with these words:

“I don't know if life is supposed to be hard. I don't know that life should be easy. I know sometimes we must go with the flow but other times we have to push or pull if we are ever going to improve our lives, achieve our dreams or simply find peace. I constantly remind myself to face my fears, challenge myself and find a way to do the things I think sometimes I cannot do. ... I must do GREAT THINGS and be FEARLESS, for it is in those achievements that I feel fulfilled.”

2.  I must look to the small things in life for happiness. On a philosophical level I already know this to me true, but Evenstar Art has provided me with a beautiful, simple reminder:

“Again and again ...it is the simple pleasures in my life that keep my head and heart above water. The soft and gentle song of the Baltimore Oriole at 7am. A whirlwind of maple seeds spiraling into my lap...  Big events in life are not what are sustaining. They don't come often enough.”

3. Worlds of wonder are all about me. Finding Life's Enchantments revealed this truth so well recently with literally the tiniest of observations:

“The lessons I learned from nature is that there are so many worlds within this world. Unseen worlds. I discovered that the weeds in my garden are protection for many insects and creepy crawlies. Each day that I work tending to my plants, I come upon these little spiders. They lie in the grass and weeds protecting their little round white egg full of their little ones. I accidentally separated the mother from her egg ... To my surprise when I nudged the little egg over to her, she took it immediately and went about her day.”

Maybe I find so much meaning in these shared snippets of life because none of the authors claims to be an expert. To my knowledge, they have nothing to prove and nothing to gain through the retelling. And yet they give of their lives, observations and stories all the same ... leading to my last road-tested truth, a personal observation of my own:

4. People are programmed to share.

Thanks to all the amazing bloggers -- including some I have yet to feature -- who have shared their insights with me this past week! You enrich my life!

Recreating virtues from flaws

One of the surprise blessings of my life is that I cannot carry a grudge for long. It's not that I have a forgiving nature. I'm just too forgetful!

I realized this 'fault' early on in my life. I had inadvertently angered a girlfriend by speaking to a former buddy ... one who had more recently become seen as an enemy. "Brenda," my friend growled, "don't you remember? We're not speaking to her anymore!"

Oops! I'd forgotten.

I forgot again, years later, when giving a boyfriend the cold shoulder for some slight, real or imagined. He wasn't too bright. Either that or he was willing to risk life and limb as he taunted me. But who could blame him? My snub had faltered after only some 20 minutes.

Back then, my memory lapses left me humbled. But today I see them as a gift and am grateful.

The older I get, the more I understand that my relationships often depend on letting go of past grievances. So my forgetfulness has, on occasion, become purposeful. Even healthy bonds sometimes require that I intentionally forget negative memories that stick in the crawl spaces of my mind.

This selective amnesia became important when I decided that I could not live my life based on the actions of others. Once again this wasn't due to any character strength on my part, but a lack of patience; I rarely have the energy to stand in judgment of anyone else, so I save it for special occasions (and hope the favor is returned!) Think of the effort required! First one needs to access each instance of imperfection; each hurt and horror inflicted. Then for each failing, the underlying character flaw needs to be identified and thoroughly bemoaned. Chances are, the 'accused' has some redeeming qualities that must be considered. And, finally, there's the defensive case to be made for one's own misdeeds.

So standing in judgment was out. And I certainly wasn't going to go to all the trouble of trying to change others. Changing my own bad habits is hard enough. I don't need the added burden of someone else's behavior modification. If I believed in corporal punishment I might think differently, but I've never met anyone who's actually had sense knocked into him. So I was stuck.

Surely a more satisfying approach would be to focus to the actions I could control: my own actions.

Reigning in my own behavior means "doing right," even for others that haven't always done right by me. When I throw off old hurts or allow them fade, I become a better person ... the person I want to be. I can improve life for others, and what's more, I'm happier.

Still, releasing that angst isn't always always easy.

I struggle to control my tone as I speak with the relative at the other end of the phone. Our relationship has always been rocky, but we're family. And she needs me. She'll need me increasingly as she navigates the perils of later life. I hear the frustration in her voice as she deals with a world that has outpaced her ability to change with it. I can't change her realities or perceptions. I can't remake our past. In this moment, I realize that I must -- again -- relinquish my hold on old wounds. Its not for the first time and won't be for the last. Now I must forget, because I can't empower anyone if I'm playing the victim. I can't help us move into the future if I'm tethered to the past.

Love and beauty

They say

They say "patience is a virtue."
I ask "Who's got the time?"

And who are they anyway? Haven't they heard?

"Silence is golden."
"Advice should be viewed from behind."

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"No one wants advice -- only corroboration." -- John Steinbeck, author